Category Archives: That Darn Cat

Vegetarian Mumbo Jumbo

Scene: Nate’s bedroom, around bedtime. Nate is sitting on the floor, putting on his pajamas. Dad is reclining on the bed. Figaro, the cat, enters the room.

Dad (to Figaro): Come here, you fat, furry thing. I’m gonna eat you up.

Nate: Dad, please stop talking about eating the cat. I don’t like talking about killing animals, and eating means killing, you know.

Dad: Hm. How do you feel about having eaten turkey for dinner this evening?

Nate: Oh, I don’t mind that. I just don’t like hurting cute, furry animals.

Dad: What about an ugly furry animal?

Nate: You mean like a bullfrog… with hair? (pause) I don’t think I’d eat that.

A lesson in motion

Sarah would have turned 40 today.

As her birthday comes right on the heels of Christmas, Sarah always felt that she had been cheated out of her due. The whole fam damily would come together for nearly everyone else’s birthday, but after the holidays, everyone was just too burned out to muster another celebration. So I always tried to make her birthday extra special. One year, I took her to see the Broadway touring production of Footloose. Man, that was a stinker, but she loved it. I can’t imagine what I would have done for her 40th. Chances are she would have talked me into going to Churchill, Alaska, to visit the polar bears.

I was born a couple of years after Sarah. I am now officially pushing 40, and it is a strange feeling indeed. My son is five already; I’m on my third car. I can get an e-mail from someone I went to high school with, and say with complete accuracy that I haven’t heard from them in twenty years. And our handsome cat, who shares Sarah’s birthday, moves from “mature” to “old” today.

Figaro is 13 years old, by my reckoning. I got him when he was two. My neighbor, Liz, banged on my apartment door and thrust him into my arms. “Congratulations, you just got yourself a cat. The little bastard keeps trying to kill my kitties.” It took a while to train him not to climb inside the Doritos bag whenever it was opened, but we quickly learned to understand each other. He and I have been together for eleven years now. He recently spent a few days in the hospital, having eaten a bit of ribbon. The Christmas Turd used up one of his nine lives and cost me a cool $1200. I hated being put in this position, but I had to decide just exactly how much money I was willing to spend to save his furry behind, before giving him the needle.

It seems he will recover, but it got me to thinking. 13 is pretty old, for a cat. He may have made it through this time, but eleven years have passed awfully quickly. It will not be nearly that long before I can expect him to start peeing in difficult-to-find places around the house. He’s had a good, long life, and I wouldn’t want to see him suffer. He wouldn’t understand chemotherapy, for instance. Cats live in the now.

Which is my point, as it turns out. I wasn’t sure I had one, but I do. Sarah’s life was cut short, but even a hundred years is really not that long… and once you make it over the top of the hill and start down the other side, it goes faster and faster.

Live in the now, at least once a year. Celebrate your birthday. Visit the polar bears.

And don’t eat any more ribbon.

Cat People

From day one, Sarah and I had an ongoing discussion about the relative merits of cats and dogs. Each of us said the same thing: dogs just love you, while it takes time and effort to earn a cat’s trust and love. But we disagreed on which was the good part and which was the bad part.

Sarah had never lived with a cat before. She wasn’t willing to accept that she would have to learn how to approach Figaro, and how to read his body language. This got her scratched quite a bit in the early days, but they did eventually reach an understanding.

Before Nate came along, our weekend routine, and God, do I miss it, was to have breakfast at Red’s, and then wander over to the churchyard so Sarah could pick and eat mulberries off the huge mulberry tree.

By midsummer, the mulberry tree, like most mulberry trees, had a thick carpet of overripe windfall berries underneath it. Sarah would wade right in, heedless of the mess, and her Tevas would leave purple footprints down the sidewalk afterwards. I, fastidious to the point of helplessness as always, would pick my way around the perimeter, trying not to get messy, but she would always beg me to stop dithering and come help her reach the best berries.

One day, while she picked, we were chatting about cats and dogs, as usual: Sarah depicting cats as aloof and mean, and I characterizing dogs as slavish and sloppy. All of a sudden, this ENORMOUS dog (a “hound from Hell,” when she told the story) came tearing across the churchyard, making a beeline straight for us. Sarah told me later that she was thinking, “Oh, crap, it’s going to eat us and Dave will win the argument.” He pounded through the mulberries, planted his giant paws on my chest, slobbered all over my face, and took off. I stood there, paralyzed, unable to speak. She giggled, “Oh, quit it, you big baby. He was just being friendly.” I turned around to face her, revealing the two huge purple pawprints on my favorite white T-shirt.

When she finally stopped laughing, she told me she could get the stain out. It took her two weeks of repeated soakings and rinsings, but she did it.

We each thought that this incident had finally settled the argument in our favor, but we were both wrong. I held up the nearly-ruined shirt as an example of how dogs epitomized chaos triumphing over order; she countered by saying that it took a special kind of crazy to believe that it was even possible to keep a white T-shirt pristine forever.

She was right, but I still prefer cats. At least I don’t have to empty Figaro three times a day.

Rocket Man

So! I think Nate has allergies.

Shocking, I know. Where could he have gotten those?

Anyway, he isn’t very good at blowing his nose yet. This means that his sneezes are, shall we say, high output. Luckily, I already know a little something about allergies, so there is always a box or packet of Kleenex ready to hand.

Along with various potions and philtres, we are also trying a few anti-cat protocols. These primarily consist of putting clean laundry away, and spreading a towel over Nate’s bed and pillow before we go out.

Tonight when we got home, Nate went upstairs to get a toy. “Dad! I found a lump!” is not what I was expecting to hear. I followed him upstairs and discovered that Figaro had managed to crawl underneath the towel and was simultaneously sleeping and shedding on Nate’s comforter. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look quite so pleased with himself.

oh God can’t you keep it down

Before Sarah moved in with me, I used to sleep with the door open, so that Figaro (my cat) could wander in and out. Cats, for the most part, resent closed doors. But Sarah had asthma, so Fig was barred from the bedroom. He expressed his displeasure by scratching at the door at all hours, and he even managed to work the doorknob once or twice.

So I placed the Vacuum Cleaner, Devourer of Kitties, just inside our bedroom door, turned on but not plugged in. When Figaro would scratch and yowl, Sarah would mumble, “Go ahead, I’m awake,” and I would roll over and plug in the vacuum cleaner. Then we would hear vases breaking as Fig ricocheted off the furniture in the living room, and I would unplug the noisy and we would go back to sleep.

This worked like a charm. After about four days, Fig was cured of waking us up.

For a short time after Sarah died, I tried sleeping with the door open. I thought I could use the company. But, surprisingly, I’ve grown accustomed to sleeping without someone stepping on my face. So Fig is once again barred from the bedroom, and for the most part he doesn’t complain.

Skip to the present day. I slept at the Hous of Grous Wednesday and Thursday night, so Nate and I could help take care of Jennifer while Beth and Paul were at the hospital. I didn’t sleep that well, what with one thing and another. Thursday night was particularly rough. We had a wild rainstorm, and every time the wind blatted the rain up against the windows, I’d jolt awake, certain that my basement was flooding again.

Well, the basement didn’t flood. And so Friday night, as soon as Nate was asleep, I climbed into bed and prayed for eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

However! I had spent three days away from Figaro, except for the five minutes I was here on Thursday evening, cleaning leaves and earthworms out the drain trap by the back door in preparation for the rain. Apparently Fig was a bit lonely, a bit starved for affection, and decided that what he needed most was a good cuddle session… at four o’clock this morning.

I shut him in the bathroom and went back to sleep.

Nate, praise Allah, slept an hour and a half later than usual, so that I got almost ten and a half hours of sleep, except for the few minutes it took me to imprison my demon cat.

When I got up, I discovered that Fig had somehow managed to free himself from the bathroom. I also discovered that Fig had managed to rid himself of a hairball, and most of his dinner, on the bathroom rug. I say it’s a small price to pay for a good night’s sleep.