Category Archives: Sarah

Though I’m far away

A year ago today, I got a phone call from Sarah’s doctor. Her blood pressure had dropped and they had sent her in an ambulance from the rehabilitation center to the hospital. He implied that I had better hurry if I wanted to see her before the end.

Up until that point, I had been under the impression that she was getting better. I rushed over to the Emergency Department. She was happy to see me, but having trouble breathing. I asked the doctors, “You know she’s an asthmatic, don’t you?” They looked at each other and scrambled to get her some albuterol, which really seemed to hit the spot.

They gave her the usual quiz to determine where her head was at:

“What’s your name?”

“Sarah.”

“What’s the date?”

“March first, 2003.”

She looked at me and smiled. In unison, we said, “Rabbit, rabbit.”

I didn’t mention that she was three years off.

The nurse was completely baffled, and I explained the superstition: on the first day of any given month, if the first thing you say when you wake up is “Rabbit, rabbit,” then you’ll have good luck.

“Who’s the President?”

Sarah looked disgusted and spat, “Bush.” The nurse laughed.

Eventually they decided to intubate her, and threw me out of the room, suggesting that I probably wouldn’t want to watch. She could tell that I was terrified. She grabbed my hand. “Hey,” she said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I want a new drug

Sarah was proud of her terrible taste in television. She would have been so excited about the new reality show, Grease: You’re The One That I Want. She loved to watch The Real World and The Bachelor, and she adored figure skating. But her absolute favorite was the Winter Olympics.

During her battle with cancer, she was on some major painkillers. I hated having them in the house, but they kept her comfortable. She was drowsy a lot of the time, and she enjoyed her long naps in the sun every afternoon, but when February rolled around, she asked the Pain and Palliative Care team to see if they could come up with a mix that would let her be a little more alert, so she could watch the Winter Olympics. They came through with flying colors, and she curled up happily on the couch with the TiVo remote and a huge pile of fleece blankets.

Now, the TiVo notices what you watch, and it tries to guess your taste. If there’s room on its disk after it records the stuff you’ve asked for, it also records other things it thinks you might like. You can tune its profile by giving different shows “Thumbs Up” and “Thumbs Down” ratings.

After she died, it was a long while before I thought of watching TV. When I finally turned on the TiVo, I could hear Sarah laughing at me. The damn thing was completely filled with forty hours of women’s golf, professional wrestling, and bull-riding competitions, none of which she would have watched if you paid her.

I couldn’t convince it to stop, either. I asked it to record the new Doctor Who series and it told me that Doctor Who would conflict with the LPGA Tour. I ended up having to reset it to factory defaults.

The moral of the story is, they should make a new warning label for heavy-duty opiates: do not attempt to train your TiVo while using this medication.

Although it’s even funnier if she did it on purpose.

Let nothing you dismay

I was surprised by how good our Christmas was. There were certainly some difficult moments (for instance, if I ever meet the guy responsible for the song The Christmas Shoes, I’ll be hard-pressed not to poke him in the eye), but by and large, it was lovely.

Sarah helped a lot: I found a cache of gifts for her family, wrapping paper, grocery lists, and a sketch map of the house detailing where the decorations should go. I think she would have been proud. I didn’t try to make cookies, and I only had the energy for one of the four huge bins of ornaments, but we hit all the important highlights.

We spent the holidays surrounded by family. My mom flew in from California and stayed with me, my sister drove up from North Carolina and stayed with my dad, and we all joined Sarah’s family for their celebration. We were at Sarah’s parents’ house on Christmas Eve, and we hosted breakfast at our place Christmas morning. Then we all went to Sue & Lou’s house for Christmas Day. There were 20 people there and it was joyful chaos. Everyone had a grand old time.

Nate’s number one gift was the Pixter, a sort of electronic coloring book. It has a scribble mode, connect-the-dots, paint-by-numbers, and a couple other things that he hasn’t figured out yet. It is absolutely perfect for him to play with on long car rides. He calls it his laptop.

A week or so after Christmas, we drove up north to visit Leigh and deliver her new computer. I had packed a bunch of FireWire cables in my laptop bag, to assist in transferring her data from the old computer.

It just so happened that this was the day of our first snowstorm. As you know, we’ve never had snow in New England before, so no one knows how to drive in it. Folks were slipping and sliding all over the place. We must have passed twelve or fifteen disabled vehicles. A drive that usually takes a little over an hour ended up taking two and a half hours. At the two-hour mark is when I realized that I had left my laptop bag at home.

So I was gritting my teeth and trying hard not to scream obscenities. Nate asked me what was wrong, and I growled out that I was very angry, because I had forgotten my laptop. He said, “Daddy, it’s okay! Because I will share my laptop with you. Now you don’t have to be angry.”

And my heart exploded. Which is very lucky for the Radio Shack employee who told me that there’s no such thing as a six-pin-to-six-pin FireWire cable, because without Nate’s calming influence, I think I would have bitten him.

Baby Likes Burping

The best thing that happened to me on Sarah’s birthday: I got to snuggle with Caroline Sarah. She is eight weeks old today. It’s been three years or so since I had to burp Nate, so I was a little rusty, but I managed it just fine.

What better way to celebrate the birth of a loved one than to hang out with a tiny baby? When you’re only eight weeks old, you don’t get birthday presents; you are a birthday present.

i think of you day

Today would have been Sarah’s birthday. In keeping with tradition, we kicked off the Birthday Week Extravaganza on Saturday.

Sarah’s perfect day was breakfast at Zaftig’s, then the New England Aquarium, and lunch at Pizzeria Regina. I didn’t feel like waking Nate up early, though, so we skipped Zaftig’s.

We arrived at the Aquarium just as they were opening, and met up with Sarah’s good friend Jess and her family. Nate enjoyed the penguins, but his favorite was the puffer fish. My dad liked the jellies. For my part, I always love to see Myrtle the turtle having her breakfast.

Then we walked over to Christopher Columbus Park. It was freakishly warm for January, in the high 60s, so Nate ran around and around on the playground and climbed on the vaguely boat-shaped jungle gym. This used to be my absolute favorite playground when I was a child, but the wooden Ewok Village I remember has long since been eaten by termites and replaced with a generic metal-and-rubber climbing structure. Safe, but homogeneous; whatever it was that made it special when I was little is long gone.

Finally, we wandered through and around the North End until we found Pizzeria Regina. Sarah used to be my navigator; she once ran a company that led ghost tours through the North End, so she knew it cold. We had to rely on MapQuest. I am literally lost without her.

Happy birthday, Sarah. I love you.

Holiday Road

And so goodbye to 2006.

Come back with me for a moment, twenty years ago. I’m in high school, busy having my heart broken for the first time. I know there’s nothing unique about that. Everyone should have their heart broken a few times. I learned a lot from it.

Fourteen years ago. I’m in college, and my heart is broken again. It isn’t the second time, nor even the last time, but it is without question the worst time. I’m devastated. Ever since then, Christmas has brought back painful memories.

That winter, I spent a long time trying not to think at all. But after a while, in spite of everything, my brain gradually came back online. And a strange thought occurred to me. That was the worst, I thought. The worst. The worst? Yes. Hm.

What are the odds, I thought. What are the odds that it could ever be that bad again?

I hear you laugh.

The next thirteen years… it was life, is all. Some very good, some very bad. But sure enough, no matter what happened, nothing even came close to being that bad. Deep down, I knew I was lucky, to have experienced The Worst so young, and to have survived.

Well, you already know the punchline. “How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.” Today, I can see so clearly how young and stupid innocent I was at 21. I’m even old enough now to know that I’m still young, even if I can’t truly appreciate how young.

Lately, I’ve been haunted by this Douglas Adams quote:

the sort of calmness that comes over people when they realize that however bad things may seem to be, there is absolutely no reason why they shouldn’t simply get worse and worse

…which is approximately where I am at the moment. Calmly I read the news from Washington and the Middle East. Calmly I experience 70-degree temperatures in January; I admire the inflatable snowmen, and think of the glaciers that are already gone, and the ones that will soon be gone. Calmly I drive in the first snowstorm of the year, watching cars slide slowly into each other and crumple up against trees. Calmly I remember that Sarah’s cancer is hereditary, and think of Nathaniel.

I try to remind myself that what I am thinking and feeling now will, like as not, seem completely ridiculous to my 50-year-old self, should it be the will of Allah that I live so long. I try to remind myself to stop second-guessing the universe. But I can’t help feeling just the opposite of what I felt in college:

We were so lucky, Sarah and I. We found such perfect happiness together. What are the odds that it could ever be that good again?

Tradition

We bought our Christmas tree last Thursday. Nate picked it out, and my sister helped me get the lights on it. Then on Friday, Amadis came over after work and we put some ornaments on it.

When I opened the box containing Sarah’s stocking, I broke down and sobbed. Nate asked, “What is it?” and I think I managed to tell him.

I tried to keep his hands off the fragile ornaments, but I misjudged one. Santa riding a goose; it was one of Sarah’s favorites. I thought it was tougher than it turned out to be. Of course Nate dropped it, and it shattered. He was shocked; he was so sorry. I told him it was my fault, and he shouldn’t feel bad, and I gave him a big hug. And I was sort of surprised to realize I didn’t feel anything. I guess after a while, you reach a point where it just doesn’t get any worse.

And you know, they were all her favorites.

The Water Is Wide

My travel agent

Sarah loved to travel. She took me all over the world. When she got laid off from Peregrine, she talked about going to school to become a travel agent. She used to set up fantasy trips on Travelocity, just for fun. And it might just be that she is still arranging things for us.

Tish and Francis spend a week in Hilton Head every August with Aunt Marylou and Uncle Jim (Tish’s sister and brother-in-law). Somehow it was decided that my mom would trade in her timeshare in Kaua‘i, so we could all get together in Hilton Head. She immediately found a unit in the same building, for the same week. The owner was moving to Kaua‘i, and was eager to swap. It was almost too easy. Coincidence? It just seems… unlikely.

My sister, Veronica, was there as well. Nate doesn’t get to see his Nonna or his Auntie VeeVee very often, so he was thrilled.

We walked to the beach a couple of times, but it takes Nate a while to warm up to an unfamiliar situation. So he would cling to me until everyone was ready to leave, and then announce that he wanted to go wading, or build a sandcastle, or whatever it was I’d been exhorting him to do for the last hour.

In an effort to escape the suffocating heat and humidity, we discovered a small children’s museum right around the corner from our resort. They had a real airplane cockpit, complete with pilot’s hats, and a scale model of a pirate ship. You can imagine the screams when it was time to leave.

South Carolina in August, well… I don’t know if we need to go back any time soon, but we had a great time in spite of the weather.

This is your Captain speaking.

And that laugh that wrinkles your nose

Tomorrow would have been our five-year wedding anniversary.

We held our reception at the Peabody Essex Museum. It was beautiful, except Sarah was slightly horrified by this mummified penguin in one of the display cases. When we got the disposable cameras developed, we discovered that nearly everyone had posed with the damn penguin.

Thanks again to Tish and Francis, and to everyone who helped to make our night special. It was the most amazing party I’ve ever been to.

The happy couple